I can't believe I've already gone 4 whole days without eating anything. In that 4 days I've lost 8 pounds and 1-1/2 dress sizes. It won't live to see 5 days however. I'm not done juicing, but I'm ready to add eating back in. As I mentioned yesterday, Day 3 was really hard for me as far as my mental state. But over the course of yesterday and this morning I've come to a few conclusions that I feel really good about. Today I'm doing very well mentally; physically not so much.
Today I felt hungry for the first time - true hunger pangs with growling stomach and all. I've also felt noticeably tired, weak and irritable all day. Drinking my juice this morning didn't satiate me as it has the past few days and so I decided it was time to eat. While I would probably still lose a pound or two tonight as I have been, I realized any weight loss I experienced today would be an illusion. Weight lost by starving myself would come back as soon as I started to eat again. Also, working out is an important part of my health plan and I cannot do that without energy which today I have in short supply. So I ate lunch.
I'm not saying it's all over though. This week has really been a week full of introspection for me and I've gleaned some wisdom from it all. I am a very healthy person, which has always been a little bit disappointing for the hypochondriac in me. Anytime a doctor has had a reason to look at something a little closer, it's always come back normal. My blood pressure and heartbeat have always been perfect. With the exception of a very minor high bilirubin count, my blood and lab work has always been perfect. I am not at risk for heart disease or diabetes or cancer or anything else. I'm just a healthy person. Therefore I realized any goal I had in the back of my mind really boiled down to my weight and physical appearance. Don't get me wrong, I think trying to prevent future health problems is important but I realized to achieve this ideal body I was fantasizing about would cause me to cut out a lot more than I'd have to cut out just to be healthy. So I looked at my priorities.
I determined that being super skinny is not worth letting go of some of the foods that I love and my love of cooking. I also determined that the foods that I love and my love of cooking are not worth being overweight and not trying at all. I think we all might have that struggle to some extent in one area or another. We all want to have our cake and eat it too. But when we're faced with a scenario in which we can't have both, we have to make a decision based on what's best for us and then we have to own that decision. For me, I decided that being fit and healthy is important to me but striving for this possibly unreachable idealized body image was not. And now I have to own that decision. Sometimes I'll have to workout when I don't want to or grab an apple instead of a candy bar or only eat pasta a couple of times a month instead of a couple of times a week. That's what I have to do in order to be fit and healthy.
But I also have to own the other decision I made. I have to stop comparing myself to other people. I have to stop worrying about what other people think of me. If someone thinks I have a big butt, so be it. I've always said I have a JLo butt and I always will and I'm just fine with that. If I looked in the mirror and saw a Cameron Diaz butt looking back at me, I wouldn't know what to do. That's great for her but I like my curves and am happy to keep them. I need to be happy in my own skin and not worry about trying to make my body look like Jessica Biel's. By letting go of that in my mind, it frees me to enjoy a plate of spaghetti or an ice cream sundae without feeling guilty.
At the end of the day, it's all about that balance. I can't have whatever I want whenever I want it, but I don't always have to deprive myself of everything too. By being conscious of what I put in my mouth, I can find that balance. By learning to have just a little instead of stuffing my mouth, by adding one thing that I know is healthy for me (like a green juice), by limiting but allowing some of the foods I love, I can find that balance.
The last thing I've really thought about a lot this week is that there are other things I can do to feel better about myself that don't have anything to do with my weight. For instance, I can style my hair and wear makeup more often. Or I can do a better job keeping my house clean. I always feel good about myself when I know I've done well. Doing the dishes or pulling the weeds always make me feel better about myself because I feel like I'm being responsible. Sitting in a clean house, with my hair and makeup done and a flattering outfit would make me feel pretty good about myself regardless of if I looked good in a bikini or not. Working to step up my efforts in these areas became a priority for me this week.
I still don't want fast food or highly processed foods, but it's lovely to know that I don't have to become a vegan either :)
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